![\"\"](\"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/for-the-pained-parent-aiming-for-flawlessness.png\")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
\u201cThe most precious gift you can provide for your children is your own healing.\u201d ~Dr. Shefali Tsabary<\/strong><\/p>\n Am I overdoing it or not doing enough? <\/p>\n Am I harming my child? Am I overly strict or not strict enough? Am I giving them sufficient quality time? Do I provide too much assistance or not adequate support? <\/p>\n Will my son’s willingness to share his feelings make him prone to vulnerability? Will my daughter’s assertiveness be interpreted negatively? Should I be more or less involved as a parent? <\/p>\n These uncertainties are common among parents healing from their childhood traumas while nurturing their own children. Our primary goal is to stop the cycle. <\/p>\n Before the birth of my son, I promised myself to avoid passing on my trauma. I would only become a parent once I felt assured I wouldn\u2019t repeat previous errors. It seemed simple back then. <\/p>\n I committed to acknowledging his emotions. I would be present both physically and emotionally, showering him with compassion and love, giving him what every child deserves and what I once needed. <\/p>\n Yet doubt lingers. The discomfort of questioning whether I\u2019m \u201cdoing it incorrectly.\u201d I label this the Not Good Enough Stuff. <\/p>\n Regardless of the love I provide, that voice continues to resonate. <\/p>\n Do I concentrate too heavily on feelings? Should I allow him to manage friend challenges independently? When he’s upset, should I give him distance or remain nearby? <\/p>\n When I suspect a teacher is being unjust, do I step in or let it go? If he requires assistance, do I wait to offer it or extend help immediately? <\/p>\n Striving always for correctness is draining, revealing two fundamental fears. <\/p>\n Firstly, am I showing too much affection? <\/p>\n I consistently ask before I hug him. <\/p>\n Recently, after a tough day at school, I inquired, \u201cWould you like a hug?\u201d <\/p>\n Without even looking, he said, \u201cNo.\u201d <\/p>\n Perplexed, I fought the instinct to comfort him as I had always wished to be comforted. <\/p>\n Instead, I asked, \u201cShould I stay or offer you space?\u201d <\/p>\n \u201cJust sit there.\u201d <\/p>\n So I sat, suppressing my urge to resolve matters as my thoughts raced. <\/p>\n Am I doing sufficient? Overdoing it? Am I mistaken? <\/p>\n This connects to my unfulfilled affection needs from childhood\u2014something I once perceived as normal. <\/p>\n The first evening at my friend Molly\u2019s, her mother embraced me, and I felt a warmth and safety I’d never experienced before. I longed for it. <\/p>\n I requested bedtime hugs from my mom, which ended in anger. She suggested I stay with Molly\u2019s mom. <\/p>\n I share this not to blame her but to illustrate that she most likely never experienced affection to pass on. As a child, I misinterpreted her responses, learning that my needs were \u201cexcessive.\u201d <\/p>\n These beliefs persist into adulthood, impacting parenting. <\/p>\n So when my son declines a hug, it triggers my Not Good Enough Stuff. <\/p>\n The second, more subtle fear: Am I urging him too much to share his feelings, causing him to seem weak? <\/p>\n It circles back to unfulfilled emotional needs from our own childhoods, leading us to try to shield our children from feeling that emptiness, despite lacking a role model. <\/p>\n Transitioning from Mississippi to Southern Oregon without a roadmap reflects what this healing journey feels like. Mistakes and frustrations arise. <\/p>\n We are aware of the kind of parent we aspire to be but lack the instruction, resulting in self-criticism after errors. <\/p>\n In our quest to fill our children’s emotional gaps, we fear overstepping, yet remember this when uncertainties surface. <\/p>\n More activities, opportunities, and possessions do not compare to fulfilling emotional needs. I have witnessed children in modest financial situations thrive emotionally. <\/p>\n I would have exchanged my belongings for security, acknowledgment, and love. That keeps me anchored. <\/p>\n Aim for connection, not flawless execution. <\/p>\n Errors are part of the journey. Achieving everything correctly isn\u2019t. What truly matters is breaking old patterns. <\/p>\n Reflect, inquire, care, and adjust\u2014these actions disrupt cycles. <\/p>\n You\u2019re healing while nurturing a child. That\u2019s far more important than perfection.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cThe most precious gift you can provide for your children is your own healing.\u201d ~Dr. Shefali Tsabary Am I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":9665402,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"Default","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9665401","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9665401","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9665401"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9665401\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/9665402"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9665401"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9665401"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9665401"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}