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“At times, stepping back is the sole method to cease abandoning yourself.\u201d ~Unknown<\/strong><\/p>\n I was in a break between sessions. The TV hummed in the background\u2014something titled The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives on Hulu\u2014as I prepared lunch.<\/p>\n The program showcased Mormon wives who gained TikTok fame through “soft swing.” One young woman debated with her mother, who imposed strict standards on her daughter\u2019s conduct. The daughter, steering clear of the church and the threat of excommunication, seeks freedom while attempting to preserve her family ties.<\/p>\n While watching, I lost track of my lunch because something struck a chord with me.<\/p>\n She finds herself torn between her authentic self and her desire for acceptance. Isn’t that a common challenge?<\/p>\n We long for connection, wired for it, regardless of the price. To belong, we adhere to rules and conceal facets of ourselves\u2014sometimes trivial, sometimes profound\u2014without exchanging currency.<\/p>\n The silent pact: secure your spot, remain compliant, and the group will retain you. It resembles a token economy\u2014a quiet loyalty contract signed before we grasp its implications.<\/p>\n This cult wasn\u2019t religious\u2014no robes, no secluded haven, no charismatic figure seeking funds. It was more insidious and omnipresent.<\/p>\n It was the cult of humanity, the one most of us are born into.<\/p>\n It’s the incessant clamor of others’ needs, beliefs, and expectations.<\/p>\n It’s the quest for external approval, the dependency on being liked, needed, included.<\/p>\n It’s structuring your inner world around what others can accept.<\/p>\n It’s reducing yourself to preserve harmony and keep people close.<\/p>\n I unwittingly belonged for forty-three years. That\u2019s how cults function.<\/p>\n Almost seven years ago, I started to depart\u2014not purposefully at the outset. It stemmed from uncontrollable events: the pandemic, rearing a child with special needs primarily alone, and the slow, unremarkable therapy journey. I finally recognized how much reaching, earning, and contorting I had done throughout my life. How much of myself I had concealed to remain connected to those who required me to be manageable.<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t want to earn anymore, yet I feared who I would turn into if I stopped.<\/p>\n So I uncovered.<\/p>\n Seven years filled with tears, endless solitude, anxiety episodes during ordinary days, heartbreak, and unforeseen losses. Observing my social circle diminish and worrying it was my fault. Occasionally feeling as though I was in hell.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not beautiful, but it\u2019s something. And it hasn\u2019t been in vain.<\/p>\n In actual cults, deprogramming necessitates separation. Distancing from the group that caused self-betrayal\u2014physically, emotionally, possibly on a permanent basis\u2014before you can perceive the reality. The same is true here.<\/p>\n When you separate yourself from the cult of humanity, numerous things unfold.<\/p>\n Firstly, it may seem like there\u2019s something wrong with you. You grow quieter, cease performing, decline obligatory gatherings, and your social network reduces. Those remaining within the cult may not grasp it and might take it personally. In the cult, withdrawing feels threatening; it relies on your involvement to thrive.<\/p>\n But something else occurs as well. Rejected by those unable to accept your honesty, abandonment loses its grip. You stop deceiving to maintain connections. You acknowledge the implicit agreements you’ve upheld your entire life, how you exchanged fragments of yourself for belonging and labeled it love.<\/p>\n You attain clarity. And clarity is both the gift and sorrow of this journey.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s the unspoken reality about exiting the cult of humanity: it doesn\u2019t initially resemble freedom. It feels like loss, isolation, a grave error.<\/p>\n At the same time, something different emerges\u2014a quieter, steadier self that isn\u2019t performing. A reliable inner voice. An internal compass untouched by others.<\/p>\n This is the truth of healing\u2014not either\/or, not broken or whole, not lost or found. Both. Breaking down and breaking through concurrently. Sad yet yearning while realizing you deserve more. Making the right choices while witnessing things disintegrate. Hearing internal critiques yet showing compassion to your younger self.<\/p>\n That\u2019s not fragility\u2014it\u2019s the essence of becoming more truthful.<\/p>\n I\u2019m not completely deprogrammed. I\u2019m unsure if that\u2019s even the aim. I still experience loneliness and feel the temptation to regain access to costly spaces. I still grieve connections that couldn\u2019t withstand the emergence of my true self.<\/p>\n Yet I\u2019m more at ease with sadness. It no longer terrifies me as it once did. I\u2019ve learned to coexist with myself despite the discomfort.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" “At times, stepping back is the sole method to cease abandoning yourself.\u201d ~Unknown I was in a break between […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":9665466,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"Default","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9665465","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9665465","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9665465"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9665465\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/9665466"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9665465"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9665465"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualjourneydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9665465"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}I Was Part of a Cult for Forty-Three Years<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Seven Years of Unraveling<\/strong><\/h3>\n
What Unraveling Actually Entails<\/strong><\/h3>\n
The Both\/And of It<\/strong><\/h3>\n
The Path to Freedom<\/strong><\/h3>\n