Surviving a Dysfunctional Family
Many families exhibit dysfunction to some degree. Most genuine individuals recognize this reality. However, some dysfunction escalates to the point where a family member is profoundly harmed. At times, they endure trauma and emotional devastation to a significant degree.
Family Structures
I recall during my family therapy training when the systemic family structure was illustrated through the metaphor of a baby’s mobile. Each family member occupies a position along the various arms of the mobile, which is suspended from a central point. If everyone remains in their designated place, the family endures without challenge. The individual needs might be met or ignored, yet the family structure remains intact. However, if a member suffers due to the family system, especially if their role is to bear the weight and blame for the family’s dysfunction, and they opt to disrupt the status quo, they become a potential threat to others. This single individual is sacrificed for the sake of family cohesion, and the rest will uphold this narrative to maintain their own position within the hierarchy. Until the individual revolts!
The Scapegoat
This family position is referred to by various names: the chosen child, the scapegoat, the underdog, the whipping boy. Essentially, this indicates that they are held accountable for or assume responsibility for all or most familial issues. There is nothing they can do to disprove this because the family relies on this storyline to uphold its dominant narrative, which may be — ‘this is a fantastic family filled with remarkable individuals, if only it weren’t for this one problematic family member’. While this storyline is often blatantly false, as long as the scapegoat remains compliant, they can perpetuate this deception, at least to themselves and those who may get caught up in that narrative.
Gaslighting
Frequently, these children are made to feel or are genuinely responsible for the emotional welfare of adults, parents, and siblings. They are prohibited from causing distress to their mother or father, or they cannot play with their siblings for fear of overwhelming them. These young individuals are not permitted to have their own emotional requirements or experiences. Should they express emotions, they will be gaslit, meaning they are told their perceptions and understandings are false and unreliable. They are often admonished not to be so foolish / childish / weak / overly emotional / overreacting / absurd / even ‘fabricating’.
The narrative asserts — ‘Certainly, this isn’t how they feel, this isn’t true, this doesn’t resonate with the rest of the family, so how can it be valid?’ In my situation, it was ‘of course I love her, I’m her mother’ even though in private she made it evident she disliked me and wished I weren’t part of the family, yet she was stuck with me and I should feel thankful she didn’t send me away to a reform school (a type of approved institution for delinquents at that time).
Persistent gaslighting erodes an individual’s ability to acknowledge their own emotions and interpretations of life events, leaving them reliant upon the narratives provided by the family in question. They grow dependent on any positive affirmations and signs of recognition that come their way, which will only be minimal gestures offered to keep them yearning and hopeful.
Willful Blindness
Willful blindness is another facet of this dynamic, where even if other family members might intuitively recognize what’s occurring, they do not wish to confront it for fear of being displaced into an adjacent role and potentially losing their standing within the existing balance.
My own personal experience involved relatives who continually urged me to cease upsetting my mother, ultimately casting me disdainful glances, particularly from my grandmother. I never intentionally upset my mother, at least not until her behavior became too outrageous to ignore, at which point I began to confront her. I also shielded my two younger siblings from her negativity, despite them being the favored ‘good children’, often emphasizing my shortcomings and elevating them to golden child status. They too struggled and found our mother repulsive, yet they were unwilling to relinquish their roles as the favored ones regardless of that.
My mother’s behavior stemmed from harsh observations and cutting comments that left one feeling utterly inconsequential and unable to trust anyone who might exhibit kindness towards me. Whenever she struggled or ‘lost control’, she claimed it was my fault, that I had pushed her to that point. Often, I wasn’t even present in the home during these incidents, so it was merely my existence that provoked her outburst. When I attempted to explain this to other family members, I was met with indifference or told that my mother was doing her best and I needed to try harder not to provoke her. I could never win, on anything. Everything I did was appalling, lacking value, dismissed, and completely unworthy. This began when I was