“It is not your job to decipher what another is feeling and why. Release the misconception that ‘mending’ their bad mood will enhance your own emotions.” ~Sarah Crosby
Years back, during a phone conversation with my husband, I picked up on his job-related frustration, triggering a powerful emotional response within me. My heart was constricted, my stomach churned, and I was flooded with emotions.
My body was inundated with nausea, rendering me feel exceedingly uneasy.
This had become a familiar pattern for me. My husband would share his feelings, and I’d find myself consumed by them, leading to a cycle where I responded from a place of fear, resulting in emotional turmoil.
However, the aftermath was worse than merely experiencing his feelings as devastating. I would sink into despair regarding his emotions, either trying to rectify the situation or harboring resentment towards his reactions.
This was not exclusive to my husband; most individuals in my life impacted me in a similar fashion. The simple sight of someone experiencing emotions would cause me discomfort within myself.
It was reflexive for me to intervene and attempt to mend or comfort whenever someone seemed distressed. By doing this, I neglected my own needs and feelings as I couldn’t cope with the emotions of others.
At times, it felt as if those near to me purposefully disturbed me with their emotions. A relative’s anger would engulf me, resulting in lingering resentment for days or even weeks. I felt as though I was being punished by their anger.
When my children faced disappointment or sorrow, I could not tolerate their distress, so I’d endeavor to alter their plans or distract them with a treat.
The truth is, as humans engaging with one another, we will face emotional responses—whether concerning us, themselves, or other matters.
When we perceive others’ emotions as uncomfortable, we deny them the liberty to feel. It’s akin to saying, Your emotions unsettle me! Kindly cease them.
This is understandable if we grapple with our own emotions. When we are not at ease with our feelings, we naturally struggle with those of others.
So, how can we sidestep becoming entangled in others’ emotions? How do we prevent ourselves from reacting intensely to their feelings?
How can we maintain our focus when the emotional responses of others threaten to derail our day, consuming time and triggering discomfort within us?
The initial step for me was acknowledging what was unfolding. I sensed others’ emotions were occurring to me, when in reality, they were simply experiencing their own feelings, while I was feeling my own.
My feelings are distinct from your feelings.
We frequently become entangled in relationships because we fail to recognize that we harbor separate feelings. Many relationships lack this distinction due to ingrained response patterns.
We often assume:
Stop being scared! It scares me!
Stop being irritable! It makes me anxious!