**“When I release what I am, I transform into what I could become.” ~Lao Tzu**
For many years, I participated in spiritual groups—satsangs, meditation hubs, ashrams—dedicated to positivity, service, and personal growth. These environments offered solace, community, and a [sense of purpose](https://tinybuddha.com/hub/purpose-passion/finding/). However, they inadvertently shaped my self-esteem around being a “good person.”
It seems innocuous to be good, kind, and supportive, yet the pressure to uphold this persona gradually led to stress, guilt, and confusion. This became evident during one unforeseen incident.
### The Moment My Good Person Persona Shattered
At a meditation center welcoming a visiting sage, volunteers (seva, meaning “selfless service”) helped facilitate the gathering. Seva should stem from genuine intent, not obligation. However, a friend grew upset when my wife and I didn’t contribute as much as anticipated. His reaction instilled guilt in me, despite it being his own expectations that weren’t fulfilled.
In that moment, I was astonished. This friend, who engaged in daily meditation and discussed compassion, was influenced by pressure, judgment, and frustration. I felt the urge to justify myself, to demonstrate that I was giving adequately. That incident rattled me, prompting an essential question:
Why did his judgment impact me to such an extent?
### Recognizing My Own Good Person Persona
Upon reflecting on the situation, I understood that I had been striving to be a “good person” for validation. Within spiritual environments, individuals endeavor zealously—showing kindness, engaging in meditation, volunteering, speaking positively. Yet, without realizing, we begin to evaluate ourselves based on:
– how frequently we meditate
– how often we volunteer
– how positively we articulate
– how spiritual we appear
– how “selfless” we seem
We start to admire those who do more: increased seva, numerous retreats, extended meditation hours, rich spiritual experiences. This develops a kind of spiritual ranking system in our minds.
Subtly, I began to feel guilty for resting, declining requests, establishing boundaries, and not fulfilling expectations. I started questioning myself, experiencing feelings of being “less spiritual” if I wasn’t continuously giving. I feared looking selfish if I didn’t contribute enough.
I wasn’t responding to my friend’s judgment but to my inner compulsion to be perceived as good.
### How the Good Person Persona Produces Pressure
When entrenched in the “good person” persona, you might notice:
– Agreeing to tasks even when drained.
– Assisting others but harboring resentment.
– Feeling guilty when asserting boundaries.
– Worrying about others’ perceptions if you don’t “participate enough.”
– Feeling accountable for everyone’s expectations.
You may dread letting others down, particularly where goodness is underscored. However, goodness motivated by guilt isn’t genuine goodness. It’s self-sacrifice lacking self-awareness.
### The Turning Point: Allowing Myself to Be Human
Following that experience, I recognized that I was striving excessively to be good for validation. Neither my friend nor I were bad individuals; we acted from unexamined beliefs. I started asking myself:
Who am I when I’m not attempting to be a good person?
Can I be sincere instead of flawless?
Can I assist out of love, not coercion?
Can I set boundaries without feeling guilty?
Gradually, I relinquished the identity that claimed: “Your worth hinges on how much you give.”
### What Letting Go Actually Involves
Releasing the good person identity doesn’t equate to becoming selfish or indifferent.
It signifies:
– Assisting when genuinely open-hearted, not from fear of judgment
– Declining requests without apologizing for limitations
– Granting yourself permission to rest
– Accepting others’ viewpoints without concern
– Recognizing that your worth is not up for negotiation
– Being truthful rather than merely performing spirituality
And significantly, understanding that you don’t need to earn love or validation by showcasing goodness.
When goodness arises organically, it becomes richer, authentic, and free.
### What I Discovered