“Challenge labels that turn people into objects. Language is significant. A ‘flower’ receives care, while a ‘weed’ is discarded.” ~Don Coyhis
The loss of my brother due to a substance use disorder imparted lessons I never sought. Unforeseen teachings that transform you in ways beyond imagination.
I discovered it’s possible to love someone so intensely it causes physical pain, yet still remain powerless to save them. Mourning can commence long before their departure, leaving you in a state of helplessness. It’s a humiliating experience, leading to silent negotiations with the universe: Take anything from me. Just grant him more time.
But, the universe disregarded my pleas. Addiction made no compromises. It took his soul, mind, spirit, and the brightness from his eyes.
Prior to his passing, I held tightly to the memory of him as I knew him—the authentic version. The jokester who could provoke uncontrollable laughter. The one who looked out for others while overlooking his own needs. The side of him unseen by the rest. Those memories served as lifelines, as the reality of addiction felt like a gradual drowning.
The process of grieving begins well before their departure.
Each relapse resembles a funeral. Every “I’ll call you back” morphs into a wordless entreaty. Silence buzzes with unarticulated questions: Are they still alive? Departed? Alone? These anxieties drive you to desperately contact hospitals, jails—wherever a hint of their location might be, hoping they remain among the living.
Then the call arrives, and every part of you recognizes it before your conscious mind does. You pick up. You listen. You crumble. A fragment of you vanishes with them.
After his passing, the world anticipated strength from me, prompting me to say, “He’s finally at rest” or “He’s in a better realm.” I yearned to scream, run, flee a world devoid of him. I didn’t desire him to be in a “better place”; I wanted him here. Imperfect, flawed, struggling—but alive, to witness his child’s growth, the development of his niece and nephew, and the potential of his sober self.
The lessons from his death were neither gentle nor poetic. They were raw and excruciating. A piece of you goes missing, making it challenging to breathe, sleep, eat, and causing smiles to feel like guilt.
I recognized that people criticize addiction until it strikes close to home. Suddenly, it’s “complex,” personal, human. Before that, terms like “junkie” and “his fault” are easily exchanged. Few truly see addiction for what it is—a terminal illness—harsh, consuming, frightening, and unjust.
I learned that grief is a violent force. It shatters reality, pulling you back to memories, aspirations, and unwarranted guilt. Grief can hit at any moment, engulfing your spirit, rendering the nightmare eternal.
I discovered I could feel anger and love for him at the same time. Angry he didn’t get one more day. Angry at those who judge. Angry he left when he promised he wouldn’t. Angry that addiction had the last word. My love for him persists, unwavering.
The most challenging lesson: embracing the lack of closure. The pain may not diminish, but you learn to coexist with it—as you would with a lingering bruise. You learn to smile through it, allowing grief to visit while consistently honoring their truth.
Yet, from my shattered state emerged lessons—grasped after being left open:
I learned to share the honest narrative. Not a polished or easy version, but the reality of his life, where addiction played a role—not defining him, but concealing it would erase him.
I learned to recognize hidden struggles in others, the type concealed behind smiles and “I’m okay.” Losing him softened my perspective toward strangers, instilling greater patience and protectiveness. It revealed that everyone carries silent burdens.
I discovered that love exists beyond death. It permeates your being, remaining a lifelong companion—an ache filled with fury, gratitude, and intertwined memories.
The loss of my brother demonstrated the world’s potential to shatter you… and your ability to endure. Not from strength, but necessity.
I wish I didn’t have these insights. I wish he were still present. But since he isn’t, I carry his truth—not the sanitized version, but the authentic one.
The brother I lost. The brother I adored. The brother whose memory addiction couldn’t extinguish. The brother forever cherished.
In loving memory of Joshua O’Neill Gray (August 6, 1982 – August 29, 2019).