“You cannot rewind and alter the start, but you can begin where you are and transform the conclusion.” ~C. S. Lewis
My formative years were lived in a disadvantaged household. One parent departed when I was very young and never returned, while the other remained but openly resented my existence, holding me responsible for their discontent.
I lacked a bond with my grandparents or extended family, which left me devoid of practical or emotional backing. As a kid, I understood I needed to be self-sufficient to endure, with no one to depend on if things went awry.
This absence of a safety net made me tough yet hesitant to take risks or concentrate on academics. Throughout school, I worked full-time during breaks and part-time in term time, which left me drained for examinations. In university, I juggled nearly full-time work alongside my studies, continuously relying on my overdraft.
I never disclosed my home circumstances. Classmates with both parents did not comprehend, and adults seldom asked about my family life. Financial responsibility came early, so I mastered budgeting, which subsequently assisted me in progressing in my career more quickly than others, being already versed in workplace dynamics.
Not Conforming to the Expectations
In my adult life, within professional settings, friends assumed I had a similar background, discussing single-parent families as improbable to thrive. I was unaccustomed to sharing my experiences, as they rarely aligned with conversations, and reactions were often uncomfortable or thoughtless.
There wasn’t a framework to aid those mistreated or abandoned by family, and discussing such issues was rare. I found it challenging to genuinely express my past, frequently misinterpreted by friends who were unaware of my situation.
Filling the Gap… or Learning to Coexist with It
As a young adult, I created a family of friends from school and work connections. However, I recognized that these bonds were influenced by my sense of unworthiness, resulting in incompatible and at times harmful relationships. My friends’ families went home during holidays, leaving my emptiness unaddressed.
In therapy, I learned to coexist with this emptiness, confronting and processing the pain of lacking a conventional family. Reconnecting with my inner child, I redirected my energies towards healing and making healthier choices, allowing myself to mourn what was absent instead of attempting to fill that void.
UNDERSTANDING my connections to myself led to more meaningful and healthier relationships.
Surviving and Even Flourishing
Growing up without a safety net meant that survival was my priority. My childhood was centered on striving for security and independence, which carried over into adulthood. By my mid-thirties, I secured basic stability but continued to operate in survival mode, perpetually anxious about improbable disasters.
Realizing I was safe, I recognized the need to learn to truly live rather than merely survive. Therapy assisted me in uncovering my core self beyond survival mode. Techniques like EMDR facilitated the rearrangement of thought patterns, providing moments of insight such as envisioning giving my inner child the solace she required.
After therapy, I felt unburdened, having discarded the weight of trauma, gaining vitality, and distancing myself from unhealthy relationships. This energy was redirected to