“Forgiveness can be a challenging and painful journey. It’s not an instantaneous occurrence. It represents a transformation of the heart.” ~Sue Monk Kidd
When the term “forgiveness” arises, it frequently unsettles me. This year, I came to the realization that in numerous instances where I felt let down, I was not a victim but instead a willing participant.
For many years, I found myself in unbalanced relationships and circumstances that compelled me to shrink and fit in. I invested everything I had and received very little in return, even from family members. I took criticism without voicing my own emotions. I tread carefully, attempting to lessen hurtful actions, and lost my sense of self along the way.
I practiced forgiveness after each slight and disappointment, believing it signified growth, whereas it truly diminished me. Overcoming this demanded dedication, patience, and extensive contemplation on the true meaning of forgiveness.
I believed forgiveness revolved around being magnanimous, swiftly letting go, and avoiding resentment. Yet, I failed to recognize that my interpretation of forgiveness was an act of self-neglect. I would utter “I forgive you” while my body continued to process the hurt. For example, someone dear to me would dismiss my feelings and violate my boundaries. I rationalized their behavior and opted to take the high road, disregarding my body’s signals of discomfort.
Genuine forgiveness transpires only when the body feels secure enough to relax, and where there is love, there exists space and grace, free from the pressure to hasten the process.
Forgiveness cannot be hurried; it isn’t about reciting affirmations while in survival mode. We must confront the reality of what transpired, even if it’s solely for our own sake. Truth may manifest as an unsent letter or a shout into a pillow. Before truth can be articulated, anger frequently emerges.
Anger deserves a voice and must not be repressed. Attempting to forgive without addressing anger is akin to applying a Band-Aid over a wound. Anger needs to be expressed, not projected, and it is a personal journey. A valuable approach is to set a timer for fifteen minutes to allow anger to be voiced, written down, and processed through breathing.
Reflecting on my role in relationships hastened my healing. I scrutinized what I permitted and vocalized, realizing that shaming past versions of myself was unproductive. Engaging with the wounded aspects of myself was essential: recognizing what occurred and deciding it’s time to release while providing guidance.
Forgiveness is a precious gift to oneself. When the body recovers its energy and reconnects with its truth, a shift occurs. Engaging in the work of honoring your anger, articulating your truth, and safeguarding your boundaries eventually invites forgiveness, not through coercion, but because space has been created for it.
Forgiveness is not a duty. It does not always accompany apologies or validation. Sometimes, forgiveness entails choosing love from afar, with a sense of inner peace. It’s about preventing rage from consuming you and honoring your own self. You’re not failing if you find forgiveness elusive, and no one should pressure you. Prioritize healing, express your anger, articulate your truth, and rediscover your identity beyond suffering. When the time is right, forgiveness will manifest.