“There is no path to wholeness without first accepting our brokenness. If we allow them, wounds can change us.” ~Sue Monk Kidd
Menopause brought to light everything left unresolved and unfulfilled in my life, prompting me to face it with dignity.
This transformation wasn’t instantaneous; it unfolded over a decade of exploration. To be truthful, the journey continues, though now there’s less “aaaaggggghhhhh” and more “oh.”
Transitioning from Nemesis Inferno to It’s a Small World, I can now reflect with kindness on my younger self at the onset of perimenopause. She was obsessively searching online for her symptoms, uncertain if she had a brain tumor or an underactive thyroid.
This path began around the age of thirty-five. I had just relocated to Brighton to pursue songwriting, diving in with the zeal of a twenty-four-year-old.
However, my sense of security began to falter.
Onstage, my thoughts would evaporate. My heart would race for no reason at night. I gained weight. Panic attacks struck while I walked into town, prompting me to cling to a bank wall.
My libido surged like that of a teenager. Anger became explosive, and my partner felt unable to breathe without inciting outbursts.
Neither Dr. Google nor my actual doctor could make sense of the symptoms.
Things unraveled further when I toured with a band at forty-two.
What should have been enjoyable spiraled into a nightmare. I hardly slept and returned home a disaster, believing that rest would rejuvenate me.
But insomnia had taken control, and my mind ensnared me in its loop.
In a moment of desperation, I visited a functional medicine practitioner. Lab tests indicated “low everything,” and I encountered the term perimenopause for the first time.
Around this period, I organized a speaking event in Brighton and delved into therapeutic methods for healing.
Music, which once thrilled me, now scared me. In search of tranquility, I discovered RTT, a deep subconscious reset through hypnosis. It revolutionized everything and pointed me toward a new professional direction.
As I grew, a vital realization struck me:
Narratives of women in midlife unveiled more than mere symptoms—a connection between the intensity of menopause and experiences from childhood.
Studies indicated that women with elevated ACE scores were 9.6 times more likely to endure severe menopausal symptoms.
A 2023 Emory University study revealed that perimenopausal women with trauma backgrounds faced heightened levels of PTSD and depression.
A 2017 study linked ACEs to an increased likelihood of major depressive episodes during menopause.
A 2024 review underscored early trauma as a factor in hormonal sensitivity, shedding light on my challenges.
I sought to understand the biological basis for all this.
Research indicated trauma modifies GABA receptors, essential for soothing the nervous system. It also impairs our ability to metabolize and benefit from progesterone, heightening our sensitivity to hormonal changes.
Facing my history, I recognized that I had enmeshment trauma. My parents treated me as their confidante, resulting in hyper-responsibility, anxiety, and guilt—traits not suited for menopause.
Being a “daddy’s girl,” I found myself attracted to older, unavailable men, exacerbating my emotional distress.
I remained financially reliant on my parents until I turned forty-four, culminating in a transformative choice: ending my long-term partnership.
After this, I discovered resilience, cultivated financial independence and personal boundaries, and acknowledged the demands of menopause.
Menopause taught me about addressing unresolved matters, prioritizing myself, resting, and detaching from societal pressures.
It’s more than hormonal; it’s a life transition shaped by the state of our nervous system, resilience, and emotional adaptability.
For those who’ve survived trauma, resilience can be diminished. While hormone therapy can assist, it isn’t the entire answer.
Supporting ourselves outside of conventional medicine through gentle, nurturing practices like yoga, nutritious meals, and self-care routines can be life-changing.
The most revolutionary step I took was creating time to slow down.
Now, eighteen months after menopause, I contemplate the lessons I’ve gained.
Menopause illuminated everything unresolved, unmet, and unexamined.
It revealed the ways I still placed others before myself.
It taught me the significance of more space and time.
It freed me from standards of beauty and societal expectations.
Symptoms transformed into love notes from my inner child, directing me back to my true self.