“A lot of our challenges in relationships stem from survival mechanisms that were once necessary, not inherent flaws.” ~Anonymous
Throughout my journey, people have characterized me as confident and sociable. I can be the “center of attention” and engage effortlessly with a wide range of individuals.
Nonetheless, I privately battled with close friendships, obsessing over texts left unanswered, feeling compelled to please others, and distancing myself from friends due to fears of their disinterest.
Full of shame, I believed that everyone else navigated friendships easily while I struggled.
The anxiety of managing friendships almost led me to give up, convincing myself that I didn’t need them. However, deep inside, I felt alone and yearned for connection.
In my early forties, I trained as a therapist and discovered “attachment styles,” which illuminated my conflicts.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles, formed during our early years, impact how we behave in adult relationships.
When securely attached, we feel worthy and trust that others will support us due to nurturing caregivers in our formative years.
Insecure attachments, often resulting from emotionally distant or inconsistent caregivers, leave individuals feeling unworthy of love and fearful of being rejected.
In class, we referred to attachment styles as templates for romantic engagements. While others associated them with romantic dilemmas, I found myself relating them to friendships.
Embarrassed to admit this, I presumed I was alone since it seemed rarely discussed.
As a therapist, I encountered similar concerns from clients regarding insecurity in friendships, excessive worrying, and feelings of shame.
My goal is to highlight the issue of insecurity in friendships, linking it to attachment styles just as we do with romantic relationships.
Returning to my personal narrative, fortunately, I didn’t forsake my friendships. Realizing how my attachment style influenced them marked the beginning of nurturing meaningful friendships where I feel secure.
If friendships bring you distress rather than joy, six indicators may signify insecure attachment. Awareness is the first step on the path to healing.
6 Indicators of Insecure Attachments in Friendships:
1. You frequently worry that your friends are upset with you or secretly dislike you.
An unanswered message or a distant friend can spark anxious thoughts. You doubt your friend’s fondness for you, feeling relieved only when they respond: “I was preoccupied.”
2. You feel compelled to please friends to retain their company.
Assisting friends is valuable, but not at the cost of your own needs.
Insecure attachments lead you to dread saying no, fearing friends will abandon you. You base your choices on rejection fears, agreeing even when anxious.
3. You experience intense feelings of rejection.
A canceled gathering feels devastating, not merely disappointing.
Rejection can evoke past feelings of unworthiness, prompting a sense of rejection even when it hasn’t occurred.
4. You struggle to open up to friends or feel unable to be your true self.