“Sufficiency is a choice, not a circumstance.” ~Unknown
Fireworks illuminated the night sky at Disneyland. My daughters nestled against me, their fingers coated in ice cream, their eyes brimming with wonder. It was meant to be the most joyous place on earth.
Out of nowhere, Mirabel’s voice from Encanto echoed: “I will never measure up. Will I? No matter how hard I strive.”
Something within me shattered.
Cross-legged on the pavement among cheerful families, I wept. Not a soft teardrop, but a soul-wrenching sob I hoped went unnoticed. I deeply connected to those words. I will never measure up. No matter how hard I strive.
It wasn’t merely a line from a movie; it was a mirror.
For a long while, that phrase defined my existence. Even surrounded by music and magic, my thoughts looped on repeat: You could have achieved more. Planned better. Improved. I had put forth every effort to ensure our trip was flawless: matching outfits, Mickey ears, surprise treats, the magic I wanted my daughters to cherish. Yet, as fireworks lit the castle, I only recognized the imperfections.
To an outsider, we were an ideal family: two joyful kids, a smiling mother, laughter in a multitude of photographs. But I noticed unseen shortcomings: my husband staying behind for us to go, deadlines at work overlooked, a rising credit card balance, missed school days, innumerable ways I could have altered my actions… better.
I’ve consistently followed this pattern. I turn any success into a defect. I could have a wonderful day and still go to bed recalling all the ways I fell short.
The Job That Robbed My Happiness
A few months later, I parted ways with a job that I loathed—one that demanded everything yet offered little in return. Late nights at work, skipped family dinners, all rationalized as temporary sacrifices for future rewards.
The company boasted “unlimited leave,” but every day off brought a sense of guilt. I poured everything into it—my time, my tranquility, my self-worth—and when it concluded, I felt hollow. I resented that job for stealing my joy, yet blamed myself for not flourishing. I thought I ought to have been tougher, smarter, better.
Even after being free from it, I heard its words: Not enough. Not enough. Not enough.
It’s peculiar to feel both liberated and shattered—released from something undesirable, yet grieving a part of me that believes I failed.
Applying a Kinder Standard to Others
Ironically, I would never impose my standards on anyone else.
When my daughter returned home with a “1” on a test (our school’s version of an F), she was heartbroken. She sobbed about feeling unintelligent, inadequate.
I reacted without a second thought. “Sweetheart, you were sick and missed school. You did your best, and that’s enough. We’ll speak to your teacher.”
I never thought, “You should have studied harder.” My only goal was for her to realize she was loved, secure, and enough.
That night, as I tucked her in, it dawned on me: I don’t speak to myself in that manner. If I miss a target or err, grace isn’t my immediate reaction. I reprimand, criticize, overthink, and push harder. Why do I communicate with myself differently than with my child?
This realization stayed with me. It echoed every “I should have” and “I could have.”