“The paradox of trauma lies in its dual ability to devastate and to create and rejuvenate.” ~Peter Levine
I found myself in the conference room alongside the CEO and my aggressive male supervisor.
For nine months, the supervisor had engaged in love-bombing and manipulation, leaving my nervous system in a perpetual state of fight-or-flight.
Four months after starting, he embarked on a three-day drinking spree at a work conference.
He either missed meetings or appeared disarrayed, reeking of liquor.
When I texted him, his response was, “I f**king hate you.”
When the CEO learned about this and contacted me, I had faith he would manage it appropriately.
I genuinely believed that he would. Yet, the mistreatment persisted for five additional months, although I hadn’t yet recognized it as mistreatment.
He was fixated on me, often saying:
- “You’re going to earn so much money here.”
- “You possess the ‘it’ quality.”
- “You know how I feel about you.”
- “I’m going to accelerate your progress.”
- “You fit the culture perfectly.”
- “This has always been your place.”
He told me all the things I longed to hear.
I had invested fifteen years in corporate America, searching for my place.
At first, I believed I had found it.
Then the focus intensified. Friendly check-ins morphed into disruptions. Group conversations shifted to private messages. Work-related texts became personal correspondence at night and over weekends.
He proposed dinner with me and my spouse, ignored other colleagues, and highlighted me in meetings.
I reassured myself, “There are worse things than your superior being fond of you.” But gradually, I started to feel unsafe.
My body conveyed warnings. I experienced panic attacks each Sunday evening. Sleep eluded me. I utilized PTO to avoid him. My fight-or-flight response was triggered, and I had to acknowledge I lacked control.
Ultimately, a colleague brought it to the CEO’s attention, which leads me back to the conference room.
I sat across from the CEO, tense and filled with hope for a resolution.
However, that’s not how it unfolded.
The CEO’s words left me feeling belittled and disregarded.
Then, my body responded.
The pressure in my chest mounted. I began shaking uncontrollably.