Aug 21
Self-compassion is the key to personal, relational and spiritual wellbeing.
These days, we hear a lot about self-improvement. All the things we should do to optimise every aspect of life: our “morning routine”, breathing, skincare, relationships, workouts, diet, sleep, the list goes on (and on).
While much of this advice is valid, it often acts as a distraction.
We can easily become stuck, constantly doing and striving externally for a type of self-acceptance that can only be found within.
I believe that we need to shift our focus to radical self-compassion — for our mental health, connection to others and spiritual wellbeing.
What is self-compassion?
Put simply, self-compassion is compassion turned inwards. Tara Brach wonderfully defines compassion as “being touched by suffering and then responding with care”.
Self-compassion asks us to see our own suffering, emotions and shortcomings and respond with care and unconditional acceptance for ourselves.
It is important to note that self-compassion is not self pity or self-indulgence; it does not ask us to deny our mistakes, or to always do what is easy and feels good in the moment.
It is more about adopting a kind and friendly attitude to ourselves — speaking to and treating ourselves as we would a cherished friend whose best interests we have at heart.
The process
Self-compassion begins with being present with ourselves and feeling our feelings without turning away.
It requires strength to remain present and aware even through difficult emotions, as it feels easier to numb our pain through social media, food, alcohol etc. This ability to stay with our feelings, even if they feel uncomfortable, is called affect tolerance and it is a skill we can build over time.
If we have the courage to develop our affect tolerance — to face our own suffering — we can allow our emotions to simply wash over us. The irony is that when we fully make space for our emotions they tend to move through us quicker (as is often said, emotions are just “energy in motion”).
When we process our feelings directly, we are able to accept reality as it is and offer forgiveness to ourselves, others, even the universe at large. We become aware of our needs in the moment and can extend loving kindness, acceptance and care to ourselves.
The gifts of self-compassion
Practicing self-compassion is essential energetic, mental and emotional self-care.
In my experience, when I see myself through a compassionate lens: I waste less energy fighting with reality; I have more clarity; and, I feel more connected to myself, others and the universe.
When we are compassionate towards ourselves, we are better able to be compassionate towards others. We can see that the suffering we experience is universal and we become more understanding and less judgmental of those around us.
Compassion is also essential for our spiritual wellbeing. As Jack Kornfield observed, “much of spiritual life is self-acceptance — maybe all of it”.
When we practice self-compassion, we are better able to understand our own hearts — and by extension the hearts of others. Compassion allows us to access our common humanity and our innate connection to something larger than us.
Practices to develop self-compassion
Any practice that develops present-moment awareness or involves self-care is helpful to cultivate self-compassion. Here are a few suggestions:
- Meditation — you can try loving-kindness meditations or meditations which are specifically centred around compassion;
- Journalling;
- Gentler movement modalities, such as Yin or Restorative Yoga or walks in nature;
- Self-care rituals;
- Rest.