‘Have I brought this on myself?’

I recently watched a television programme where a young woman was discussing the amount of sexual abuse she receives via social media. Having been a model, and having sexualised her persona as a teenager, the question she asked was ‘am I responsible for what is happening to me now, is it my fault?’

At the same time I also listened to the story of a young woman who left the country and joined ISIS when she was fifteen. She ran away and then became the bride of a terrorist leading to her subsequently being reviled and refused entry back into the country.

Two very different stories but both belonging to vulnerable young girls who at an early age thought they knew enough of the world to deal with the consequences of their actions, or alternatively were naïve enough not to give it a thought. One is now asking the question ‘am I responsible?’ the other is simply claiming ‘other people were responsible, it was not me.’ Which is right? Or is the question a misplaced one where in fact there is no black and white right or wrong?

Where to start?

Perhaps the best place to start is by asking would either of these young women have done the things they did had they known the likely outcome of their actions? Perhaps they still would have. It is very difficult for the maturing brain of a child to fully recognise the implications of unwise actions. It is almost certain however they would not behave in the same way with the experience of hindsight and age.

In each case they had a belief that what they were doing was going to bring them happiness. The first young woman freely admitted that she enjoyed the attention she got from young men slightly older than herself. The second said she thought she was going to a place where she could live in ‘the right way’, the way she had been told things should be. She claims she did not know about the brutality and misogynistic attitudes of the men to whom she was heading when she ‘disappeared.’

We have all done things that in retrospect we regret, especially when we were young. In one sense we might say we were all responsible for what happened to us as a result. We took a decision and it had consequences. Some would say that is the essence of Karma. I would however argue none of us are ultimately responsible for the outcomes we face and I would cite the Buddha’s teachings on ignorance and the nature of self in defense of this argument.

Let me pose a few questions.

1. Would you, as you recognise yourself now, make the same decisions you did in your youth?’
2. Given who you were back then, with the knowledge you had at the time, could you really have made a different decision?
3. Did anyone sit you down and calmly explain to you how to do things differently, enlighten you as to who you really were and how your behaviour was going to be harmful to you in time to come?

The answer to each of these questions is probably ‘no.’ If any one of them is no, that is enough to begin to consider whether the question ‘have I brought this on myself’ is actually a valid one to ask in the first place. Unskilful action is what it says it is, and what skills do we have when we are young? Not many I would suggest. Like all followers of the Buddha’s teachings am still learning to be skilful and yet I am a long way from my youth!

At this point we should consider motivation. The Buddha taught that the motivation behind an action is key to it’s outcome. In the case of the young women, the first wanted to be admired to get attention, the second wanted an ideal world where she would fit in. Their motivation was unskilful and misplaced, however it was not intentionally harmful. Their beliefs were naïve, as all young peoples are at that age.

Now it is time to reflect upon the other side of this whole question. In the case of both young woman their current problem is the behaviour of adult men. The sexual predation and demeaning of the first and the complete domination of the second, including forced sexual relations. Are these young woman responsible for the behaviour of the predatory men who abuse them? Of course not, and yet if we argue their actions invited their subsequent abuse then surely this is what we are suggesting? From a Buddhist perspective the motivation of these men is intentionally harmful. It was not brought on by anyone else’s actions no matter how they might argue that to be the case. If either young woman had acted differently the men would have just found someone else to abuse.

It is important when reflecting upon the question ‘have I brought this on myself’ to always look at the wider picture. What exactly were my actions, what did I know, what level of skill did I have to deal with issues in my life at the time, why do I see things so differently now that I am asking this question? On reflection we may come to the conclusion that we need to be more compassionate to ourselves and give the young person we once were a break.

We have all hurt other people unintentionally. Sometimes we go on hurting them until someone says ‘do you realise what you are doing?’ At which point if we have any sense of right action we change our approach. Predatory men unfortunately seldom change their approach even when it is pointed out to them what they are doing. No one can argue that their actions are in any way acceptable.

Anything that deliberately harms another person is unacceptable. There is no question about this.

How should we view them from a Buddhist perspective? If you know that your actions are going to be harmful to another and yet still going ahead with them then your motivation is deliberate and intentional. There can be no justification for it. It is the ‘knowing’ that makes the difference.

In all things however we must try to find compassion and I see this as an attitude of strength and not weakness. It is after all easier to summarily dismiss those with whom we disagree than to try to find compassion for them. I will say again there is no justification for abuse of any sort, but if we are inclined to follow the Buddha’s teachings, we need to approach such difficult issues with a deeper understanding of the nature humanity and just how damaged some people are. There are those whose minds are structurally damaged and can never be repaired. Often they are dangerous and society needs appropriate protection from them.

But there are also some whose harmful behaviours need to be understood and despite our initial inclination to dismiss them may have the ability to change. Is it better to attempt to help someone become skilful in their actions or to just dismiss them as worthless with the possibility they will continue acting in an unskilful way?

I think the Buddha would have chosen the former. What if the Buddha had said to himself I have found a way to be at peace but I can’t be bothered to share it, people aren’t worth the effort? I cannot speak for others but I know I would not be in the place I am now without the ideas he promoted.

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