Mindfulness when you run out of Mental Elastic.

Most of the time I can maintain my equilibrium, or equanimity pretty well.

Most of the time.

But just recently, today in fact, I was taught an important lesson. I can still run out of the capacity to hold that state when I am too tired and don’t have the reserves.

Being Human

I found myself saying things in ways I did not intend, making judgments and criticisms which I did not feel, and being ungrateful when it was uncalled for, just because I felt overwhelmed with tiredness.

I am human. I can’t get it right all the time. No one does.

It is so important to cut one’s self some slack ( others too of course always). Not only was it coming out wrong about other people, I recognised I had turned in on myself too. What an excellent opportunity this is.

Let me say up front I have come a very long way with mindfulness and I am in the present most of the time, well-balanced and relaxed.

BUT ……..I do struggle with PTSD and ADHD alongside the usual struggles of life.

Learning from Everyday Life

I’d had two flat-out weekends in a row, some traumas in between and several nights when sleep didn’t want to know me much at all. In spite of that, everything went as well as could be hoped for. Then some minor hiccups and items that need sorting out still and suddenly I felt crabby, frustrated and out of control. It was the proverbial last straw, and I had to sort it out. On top of that we still have people staying with us and it was coming out in ways that I did not want to share.

I wanted my own space back badly, so I could melt down in private and not let it affect anybody else.

Or was that so that no one else knew what I am like when I’m not on top of it all? Is my self-worth being dented by my exhaustion?

Recognising Feelings

Feelings are transient and unreal things, yet they can exert huge power over us all. As soon as it was pointed out to me that I wasn’t being fair with my comments, I recognised and challenged the emotion behind them, but I also realised that my exhaustion wanted to be expressed. And my exhaustion was saying this last thing is that final last straw, just now, just for me. I needed to retreat into my own space and recover.

So I did. Even though we had house guests, long-standing friends with whom I have few if any secrets, I said ‘I’m retreating because I can’t say anything right and I don’t like how I’m feeling- please excuse me.’

Asking for Help.

I left my husband to take over. He is less tired as he rarely has much trouble sleeping. He is also Mr. calm equilibrium, apart from when he gets too tired, then he withdraws. This has given me permission to do the same

Admitting you’ve reached your limit and that you might not like who comes out of you when this exhausted can be tough. No one likes admitting they can’t cope, they’ve run out of mental elastic and it’s just got no more stretch room. It is far too easy to cast around for someone else to blame for one’s mental state than to own it and have compassion for yourself in the process.

Shame and Self-punishment

I don’t like it. I realise I feel slightly ashamed and possibly angry or frustrated with myself — on top of the tiredness, this is not helpful. It might mean I don’t sleep again tonight, that frustration energy keeping me awake once more. I need to let that go right now. I need to tell myself that being off-colour briefly is allowed, is a stage on the journey of learning how to maintain equanimity in the face of struggles and challenges, that this moment is not a bad one, just a challenge to go more deeply, to learn more, to let go of the expectations and frustrations I hold within myself which can create this tension to collect.

Drawing Threads of Experiences Together

Mindful self-awareness and recognition of shifts in our emotional states are allowed.

They are to be encouraged.

We are not asked to be automatons, just to be self-aware and to learn and grow from experiences in life. Mindfulness allows us to be human and frail, whilst challenging us to be our best too.

So if you find yourself saying things that you would not normally say, and feeling like you might not wish to feel, then stop. Take a break, reset, recharge, and acknowledge your own needs. Restore yourself to balance. Then you can be your best for yourself and others too. But don’t fall into the trap of feeling ashamed of your humanness. We are all allowed to fall slightly, it’s good for us to do so. That way we can recognise our shame, our pride, our faults, and through this have more compassion for ourself and for others too.