Mindfulness is the way forwards in this context too.
Like so many of my articles nowadays, this one also arises from something that happened to me, and that left me deeply reflective. All experiences are challenges to learn and grow from, but some take considerable unpicking to achieve that first.
In this case, I made what I thought was a positive encouraging comment to someone about their chances of being published at the moment. I was immediately jumped upon by several other members of the group who had completely missed the point of my message and took offence at it when it was indeed the opposite of my intention.
The perils of social media of course are that we do not have the whole context available, just a few words. But that is why it is even more important to stop and think before jumping in with righteous indignation about something that is not even what they think it is about.
The group is a closed group so I felt fairly safe in being straight about the issue, — which is roughly who and what is most likely to be published for new authors in the North American Continent and UK. I specifically encouraged one member of that group, whose writing I know well, to put hers forward, since she currently ticked all the boxes, of ethnicity and content. I am not going to be specific in case I encourage people to attack me on here as well and that is not the point of this thought piece. I was accused of perpetuating narratives that are harmful to the general public and that lead to social unrest. I agree, if that was relevant here. But my comment was in a closed group, with people who I mostly know at least slightly, and all of whom have a shared interest in memoir writing. No possibility of any social unrest here then. No. I was wrong on that one.
What happened was that many ( not all) members of the group jumped on my comments, took it personally, made it personal and deluged me with statistics and accusations/comments to prove how wrong I was. But they hadn’t listened to what I actually said, in context.
None of us like the way publishing is going as a business currently, and it is very hard for new authors to break into the market. But first and foremost it is a business. It has to be to stay afloat. Publishers buy and sell that which is in demand and can be sold as a viable product. It’s not personal. It’s not an attack on anyone or any group in society. Who decides what is good enough may be an issue of bias, but in which way is no longer quite as cut and dried as it once was. Old white men no longer dominate the large publishing houses.
New writers are not the same as established writers with their own audience. Currently, that is still dominated by older white males and to a lesser extent females too. But they are the dinosaurs, and will continue to die out. Coming in their place is a whole new demographic which is slanted towards those whose writing and perspectives are currently in demand. Again I refuse to be specific here due to the likelihood of more personal attacks on me.
I have PTSD, Complex trauma since age three, and ADHD. I am vulnerable to being re-traumatised easily by anything that echoes that childhood. Each time I get re-traumatised I shut a little more of my own life down as a way to survive, whilst continuing to work on detoxing myself more completely. In between I am deliciously happy and have a wonderful life, so it’s not a sob story, just a major inhibitor for me in life generally.
So when a whole load of people I thought of as safe did cause me quite an extreme reaction, it was devastating. MY PTSD reactions are entirely non-cognitive or precognitive, and I have no control over stopping it happen, but I am getting better at dealing with it in the aftermath, and recalibrating my equilibrium more quickly. I tried to join in on an online group, one I am a regular for, but these people joined that session and I felt myself closing down, freezing, going solid. It’s hard to explain but I lose my ability to live and be myself, so I left again.
Calling out inappropriate comments that hurt groups of people in society is a wise and courageous thing to do — IN THE RIGHT PLACE. And usually, that place really does take courage because it is confronting the angry hoards. Self-care and survival usually means we don’t confront this situation, it is not worth our personal risk. Attacking a lone individual is easy, takes no courage whatsoever, and causes more damage. Either that person is already on your side (I WAS) or they are not going to be turned by such an onslaught.
This kind of response is more likely to entrench someone into their existing beliefs. That is human psychology.
That is the point. It is too easy to jump on a lone vulnerable individual who might have said something that you have taken completely out of context. I look at this behaviour as more an exercise in showing how ‘woke I am’ rather than considering the issues thoughtfully.
What I said might not be palatable, but it happens to be true to a specific category of writing at this present moment. I agree that publishing is an unfair business. I have friends who are at its heart, and they tell me so often how unfair it is, that they often get to read really excellent manuscripts but know they cannot risk giving them a go just now. It is not about the quality of writing it is about fitting a genre and a demographic.
I am not bothered that this demographic is against both myself and my husband, who is a far better writer than I am. I just accept that our choice is to self-publish and allow our words to reach those they do reach and to be content with that. It’s not personal. I do often place pieces of writing, essays and poems, and that is enough. I do not need to be rich or famous. In fact, I prefer not to be, to be honest. I don’t think I would survive it.
I am sad that I feel so unsafe with enough of these people to stop me from attending these groups any more though. That has made me sad, and even slightly angry when it was so unnecessary and unproductive. Their behaviour changed nothing and it drove me away.
Mindfulness and Compassion
I have my mindfulness practice to fall back on as ever of course, and my garden. I won’t stop writing or telling the truth. My ADHD makes me rather blunt and open, a little too honest for many people, but much loved by those who are close to me. I am very trustworthy, intuitive and insightful, self-reflecting and I love deeply, all beings, as part of the oneness that is everything.
I have compassion for those who cannot stop themselves shooting their mouths off before thinking ‘is it worth it, what good can I do here and what harm might I do too?’ That pre- reflection is compassion in action after all and that is what the Buddha taught us above all else. If I sound self-righteous this is not what I meant to do, just to point out that there are far better ways of addressing some of our bigger social ills than jumping on a phrase out of context. This is a good lesson for me in making sure I don’t fall into these same traps of reacting instead of considering my responses. I shall work on that one assiduously now I know how it feels to be on the receiving end, an excellent position and experience to have, a humbling one, a challenge for the next period of my own life.