Loving Kindness

Loving kindness is one of those practices which crops up everywhere, and can be used everywhere too.

I have learned it in various forms across a few decades and thought it would be fun to consider these differences and how they have, over time, opened up the practice for me greatly.

My first introduction to loving kindness meditation — also known as Metta in Pali was from my husband David who suggested I should try it. Until then I had only come across silent sitting meditation and thought that was it. I ‘d been struggling for years by then, with just this practice and not really ‘getting anywhere’.

My first experience resulted in absolute horror, with me running out of the house and trying to claw myself out of my own skin, such was the physical reaction to the idea of loving kindness for myself. I had a lot to learn.

First of all it is one of the Four Sublime States, the others being Compassion, Joy and Equanimity. They do go together and by cultivating one you are often simultaneously cultivating the others. They are interconnected in their qualities and inter-are with each other in lived experience. I hope this becomes clear as I go on.

With ADHD and PTSD from complex Trauma, states like equanimity were a luxury to be dreamed of. A further 25 years on and they still are to some extent although I do taste them often enough to know they are real and I must accept my ration of them as enough. Craving them further after all would render them even more inaccessible for me.

For my first excursion David took me through this exercise:-

D. First imagine someone you love unconditionally, or as closely as possible to unconditionally.

(S. Easy I thought, my sons or you, possibly all three, sorted ( all thoughts in my head)).

D. Then generate that feeling of love as strongly as you are able to, really feeling it fill your entire body.

(S. Ok that’s going a bit too far for me but I’ll do my best.)

D. Now imagine that you are send this person that love, and along with it wishes for good health, wisdom and peace. Direct it all to them.

(S. Ok working as hard as I can do, not so difficult, hey I’m good at this meditation already.)

D. Now direct this same energy towards someone you have some difficulty with, not your mum first but someone else.

(S. Hmmm so many people to choose from, perhaps your dad, he is such a misogynistic, patronising, no no sylvia that is not what you’re supposed to be thinking, generate this love towards him.)

D. Now take this same energy of loving kindness and send it to yourself

(S. hell no far too risky, don’t you know I am the unlovable one in my family, my repugnancy is undeniable over time, you wait until you recognise it too,) and at this point I run out of the room crying and trying to claw the skin from my body to get away from that same self to which I was supposed to give loving kindness.

At this point David comes running after me and tried to take me in his arms but I cannot bear his affection either at that moment and push him away. I am too repugnant to bear any kindness. But then I notice the hurt look on his face, his confusion and my tenderness towards him kicks in strongly.

‘I’m so sorry to reject you like that, I just couldn’t cope.’

‘We have some work to do I think,’ he responds.

We leave it for that day but within a few days I’m back. Always up for a challenge of this sort, I am asking to give it another go. I am prepared now for what it might involve, and we have talked gently about where those feelings came from.

Over the next months and couple of years we work together on our loving kindness meditations and start to heal the deep wounds in me, but also discover some in him too. In time I am able to do it for myself and for my mother and his dad too. My old wounds start healing.

The next stage is going on an eight day training retreat with Jon Kabat-Zinn and Saki Santorelli, in Sweden. Their version of Loving Kindness / Metta was very simple, along the lines of ‘may you be well, may you be happy, may you be at peace’. Simple and to the point. Generating that energy in whatever way suited you, then sending it out to anybody you thought it might help, including yourself.
We also did a weekend retreat at Gaia house focussing on each of the parts of that simple meditation (same tradition and much communication between Jon KZ and Gaia house). We spent a morning contemplating what ‘may you be well’ might mean in practice, and how may that manifest too. We did that for each of the three parts of the meditation and on the last afternoon brought it all together. It is easy to speak it after all, but harder to actually understand the full implications of those words, so they do not become glib and superficial.

Loving kindness became a central pillar to my practise and I found I could bring it down to just the energy, whenever I was afraid or angry with someone. To my surprise and delight I found I could use it to dissolve any discomfort I felt in negative emotional states inside myself, regardless how they got there. It healed me to do metta for others, not just for myself. Life got better and better with fewer and fewer conflicted emotions arising. Everything we do for others we do for ourselves and vice versa, like being kind to others makes us feel better about ourselves.

Then I discovered the Plum Village approach.

In true Thich Nhat Hanh style, Thay (teacher in Vietnamese) had extended the words of this meditation to encompass it all and to make sure there were no misunderstandings. These are his wordings:

May I be peaceful happy and light in body and spirit
May I be safe and free from injury
May I be free from anger fear and anxiety

May I learn to look at myself with the eyes of understanding and love
May I be able to recognise and touch the seeds of joy and happiness in myself
May I learn to identify and see the sources of anger, craving and delusion in myself

May I know how to nourish the seeds of joy in myself every day
May I be able to live fresh solid and free
May I be free from attachment and aversion but not be indifferent.

(words from Chanting from the Heart — Buddhist ceremonies and daily practices in the Plum Village Tradition).

This latter format seems very wordy and can risk becoming lazy in as much as you don’t bother to think beyond the words because there are so many of them. But it makes me consider what each sentence means as deeply as I am able to. I find it includes almost all the dharma teachings. Thay is a scholar, teacher and academic in Buddhist studies and he wishes to interpret the teachings so they apply to practical every day life in the 21st C. He calls it engaged practice or engaged Buddhism.

All three forms for me work, and with practice I can shorten them or lengthen them according to my needs. But if for instance someone has just triggered my PTSD and I am upset, I immediately, or as soon as possible, start to do Loving Kindness to myself and to the other person. It may take some time for the trauma reaction to settle, but with this meditation that time is rarely beyond a day, where as in the past it lasted much longer. Doing loving kindness makes life easier for me too, in so many ways.

What I specifically love about the PV version though is that it really asks you to look deeply into the sentiments expressed here. It’s all very well to say ‘may you be happy’, BUT what does that mean? Do we know how to be happy? Do we understand our own psychology?

This entails the deeper work of mindfulness, not the superficial nice wishes and pretty thoughts that it can seem to encourage. True loving kindness is profoundly deep work which requires self exploration and a deeper understanding of how you and other people work, what are the general principles of a healthy mind and positive emotional responses and experiences to life as it unfolds.

If someone sends me Metta or loving kindness I know they are also sending me the wish to know myself ever more deeply. It is a gift and a challenge at the same time. That is great, it means they think I am up to that challenge. So go on and try it, but think deeply about the words too, what is involved in achieving these wishes and if you can do that I believe it will take you deeply into a true healing place.