Building relationships that just get better
I always wanted to find someone I could love forever, but it doesn’t happen that easily. It took me roughly half my life to get there and to understand how to build on it, with a few disasters and sad mis-matches along the way. Undaunted though — I’d got to a stage in life where I knew what I wanted. I wanted to co-create something truly wonderful to share with that special other, and for that to be able to evolve with us over the long term.
Like all the positives about being older now, I can look back on all my experiences and recognise how far I’ve come through them, and what I learned along the way. It has been a most interesting journey, with many twists and turns.
Mindfulness has played the biggest part in this good fortune and deep enduring happiness. Love was the biggest lesson I learned of them all.
Love is not that easy for many people. Sadly rather few come from truly loving families, and I was one of those, as was my soulmate and second husband. But in him, I found a depth and wisdom which matched my own, and a hunger to co-create the same dream I had.
The lessons came thick and fast in the early years, with some hefty life challenges thrown in, but we worked on it all using mindfulness psychology as a backup for our own instincts. even when we were pitted against each other, we made sure we worked on it together until a harmonious solution was found.
The first lesson we had to learn was to bide our time when annoyed. David introduced me to the four-minute rule. When we had been apart, we did not share our troubles for four minutes and used that time to reconnect with each other first, and lovingly. Then we could share our burdens. It was surprising how quickly that four minutes brought the emotional states down and helped us both to get things into perspective.
We used it a lot in the early days. There were lots of frustrations going on, but over time we started to recognise patterns in the challenges and then we could tackle them at root causes. Things like expectations not being met, once we recognised the basis we could let them go or rise up to meet them more realistically. Those challenges dissipated almost immediately.
Life threw some hefty challenges, many of which I have written about in my memoirs No Visible Injuries, Travelling the Alphabet Emotionally and Travelling the Alphabet Spiritually. The key lessons though have been as follows:
Gratitude — for all that happens, good or challenging. It is all a possible teacher of excellent life lessons, and if you don’t truly and deeply value what you have why should you have more? this links in with abundance thinking too.
Acceptance — of all that happens to you and from you. It isn’t personal, it is just what happens. Sometimes it’s as a result of our own energy patterns so it is possible to change them, to understand them and to heal that which brings more negativity towards us.
Compassion — the opposite of judgment and expectation, and knowing that someone is doing their best. We both came from emotionally dysfunctional families and had a lot to learn about each other, so we became each other’s gentle teachers. Instead of rowing about this and that, we helped the other to understand why some action of theirs affected us each negatively and work together to change it.
Encouragement — having been in relationships and families where put-downs were the norm, we made a point of encouraging each other to give things a go. In the process we gave each other total freedom to explore how life might unfold, to take on challenges. As a result we have both achieved so much more than we would have risked otherwise.
Honesty and trustworthiness — to have a loving relationship you need to be able to trust the other in this with you, that you have each other’s backs and you will not betray or let the other one down. This also means blunt honesty if one of the other steps out of line, both giving it and receiving it. Giving feedback without unkindness but with blunt honesty is a huge gift that builds trust nd personal integrity. In my wedding vows I said I would do anything for him except go against my own ethical values. I expected the same in return. It is very liberating, but you have to know what your values are of course and that is something you can work on together too.
Freedom to love whole heartedly — this is the biggest gift that has evolved from the others. I have no reserves, no withheld fears or sentiments of any kind. My beloved has all that I am unreservedly, and I have the same in return. This is the freedom that surpasses all others. I can be totally unselfconscious with him, just being ourselves, flowing back and forth with ideas, our writing and various creative projects. This gift is unimaginably wonderful to live inside of, to live in a flow of constant equal love and acceptance.
In conclusion
There may be other points I might add along the way but these are the most central pointers I have to share this loving way of life with others, how to co-create something more wonderful than words can convey. Knowing yourself, being mindful together, and living in as complete a harmony as I can imagine without it ever being boring. I never said it as perfect though, that would be horrendous, but with enough challenges to keep us both on our toes and when being our best selves becomes the norm.